La lettera di una lavoratrice sessuale a Tits and Sass e le risposte di alcune sex worker su come gestire la relazione professionale con un cliente innamorato. Vi siete mai trovat* in situazioni simili (come sex worker o come clienti)? Che risposta avreste dato alla lettera?

Dear Tits & Sass: Overly Attached Client Edition
by suzyhooker on October 16, 2012

Dear Tits and Sass,
Last February, I met Phil off a sugar dating site. He was extremely effusive in quasi-personal affection towards me during our first meeting, to the point that I realized he was an attachment risk and considered not seeing him again. (He’d had a recent and extremely nasty divorce.) But I agreed to a monthly arrangement of x dollars/month for indefinite weekly meetings and saw him three times total. In addition to sex, he wanted an intellectual relationship.

Between our meetings, Phil frequently wrote me vaguely romantic emails, with very familiar addresses and conclusions (things like “dear love,” etc.). I am married and he knew that. Eventually he was sending me such intense emails that I concluded he actually thought he had fallen for me. The last piece of evidence for me that things had gone too far was when I went over to his house and found a picture of myself on his mantel: He had learned my real name from a careless mistake I made, found my Facebook, and got the picture from there.

I didn’t return his calls or emails for awhile. He sent me several distraught emails and I finally emailed him, apologized for being uncommunicative, and told him that I couldn’t see him anymore because I was concerned he was getting too attached. I was pretty blunt, but toed the line between being a person breaking up with a lover (as was appropriate to the stupid sugar game we were playing) and an escort cutting off a client (I, for example, referred to myself explicitly as an escort/sex worker in the email). I told him my role in his life should be therapeutic and motivational, not romantic, and that I did not think that was possible, basically.
He sent me a recent email proposing we keep seeing each other, just less frequently, and I did tell him I’d respond to it (oops—maybe shoulda held my cards), and I am hoping there is something I can do to let him go. I also am nervous because I (a) don’t want to acquire a stalker or something, and (b) he has my real name, which means that he could conceivable out me if he felt sufficiently jilted. Don’t know if he’d do that or not. (My husband knows about all of this.) What should I do?
Sincerely,
Unhappily Loved One 

Beatrice Darling (Harlot): You have a client who is in love with you, and that means that he has no other substitute for you. That kind of infatuation can lead to a goldmine if you are willing to finesse him a little bit, and are able to keep your boundaries intact.
He knows your real name, which sucks, and he is behaving like a world-class supercreep. Chances are, though, that he’s just lonely and smitten with you, and would never actually hurt you in real life, or try to out you. Nothing you’ve said about him indicates that he’s unstable, just deeply lonely. If you want to continue seeing this guy—and there’s potentially a very good financial reason to do just that—then you need to be honest about what is pushing you away, and give him very, very clear boundaries to respect so that he knows exactly how you expect him to behave. Tell him that it’s not okay to cyberstalk you. He will still do it, but he will know exactly what his place is in your life, and that it’s not cool of him to try and inject himself into your life. Make your Facebook private to limit his access. Try using words like “hurt” or “shocked” that he would “invade your privacy” rather than “you are a creepy stalker man and if you were not loaded I would just file a restraining order and be done with it.”
Also, you need to make the details of your financial arrangement clearer. Right now, you’re in a good position to negotiate. He adores you. He’s willing to shell out some cash to keep you around. If you agree to keep seeing him, agree to once a week. Or 1-2 times a week. More than that, and you’re going to feel suffocated. Less than that, and he might as well just book regular sessions with you. It will help you stay sane to check off your visits and know that he won’t be expecting you to come back until next week.
Never give more than you’re comfortable giving, and don’t let his feelings for you cloud your financial agenda. Don’t give him more than you ordinarily would just to create a sense of reciprocity, but don’t run away from those paydays, either, if you can help it.

Charlotte (Escort, Failed Sugarbaby): You’re right; you don’t owe him anything. I’m a crusty old hooker so I might be less tender-hearted than most, but there’s only so much sympathy I can extend to a man who has decided he’s in love with you after you met a mere three times, and who knows you’re married. I’m not encouraged by his attempt to see you again after you broke it off. He sounds desperate and emotionally vulnerable to the point of having no self-preservation instincts left.
There’s no good way for you to see him again, given what you’ve indicated about how you prefer to work and what makes you comfortable. But if you need the money, I suggest agreeing to dates with him only as a regular client and keeping contact outside of that minimal. In other words, make him arrange a set period of time to see you in advance and pay for that time by the hour so the boundaries are clearer. Then limit his dates to as few as possible, with minimal contact in between. If you’re going to cut him off entirely, don’t let your kind nature lead him to believe there are any openings for contact. State unequivocally that it’s over.

Annora Quinn (Escort): I think the only thing you can do in this situation is to completely cut him off. If you let him hold you hostage with his knowledge of your personal life, there will be no end to it. Every time you try to break it off he will bring it up, and there is the risk that he will use it to extort more meetings or push your boundaries sexually. If he is going to try to use your identity against you then waiting for a later date won’t make it easier to deal with; if he tries to out you on social media or by other means you can deny everything, say you acquired a stalker from Facebook and reminisce about a time when we didn’t live so much of our lives online.
The benefit of being involved in such a stigmatized industry is that Phil won’t be able to out you without outing himself, something he probably doesn’t want to do because it would not only mean admitting that he is a client, but also that even women he pays to be in a relationship with don’t want to see him, which is a big blow to his ego. Additionally, most civilians see sex workers as being so “other” that your friends and family probably can’t imagine anyone they know being one. They won’t want to believe him.
I’ve had to “break up” with both real clients and sugar daddies because of neediness and the men from the sugar dating sites are always so much worse. They get so emotionally invested. I would suggest a polite but short email explaining that you will not be able to see or communicate with him anymore and no more contact after that.

Sabrina Morgan (Companion, Domme): Given that he is displaying stalker risk behavior (rapid attachment/effusiveness, obsessiveness, inability to distinguish fantasy from reality, lack of boundaries/respect for privacy) I would recommend just not responding. None of this is your fault, but to that mindset attention is encouraging. For simple bad boundaries, an explanation would probably be fine, but if you’re concerned for your safety it’s best not to respond. If you respond and mention any obstacle that’s keeping you two apart he’ll treat it as an objection to be dealt with, not a reason to withdraw.
Should he persist in contacting you, save everything. If he makes any threatening communications or actions, instruct him not to contact you further and tell him you will pass on any further contact to the police. In this type of situation, how you met him (sugar daddy website) is less important than what he’s doing (harassment) to the authorities involved.
If you are a current sex worker facing a work-related challenge, you can email info [at] titsandsass.com and we’ll do our best to help or call in a guest who can. (Please no “how do I get started hooking” questions. This is for those who are already in the biz.)